Published April 24, 2006
A love Unforgotten
It wasn’t such a dismal thing to let him slip into the sea
And let love past diminish deep with wandering thoughts of him in me.
I promised I would stay as strong as the oak we used to kiss below
But it is harder than I realized ad I miss him as he goes.
What is there in me but remnants of him?
I led him too deep into my wary skin.
And I think it is too late to call him back
Our wedding vows as my own torture rack.
He must do these things I know
But god, how hard it is to let him go!
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141,430 Literary Works • 674,411 Reviews
I like the Thomas Hardly kind of word punch at the end. That is an old technique and your style reflects what sounds like a developed taste in literature (got that? it sounds like a taste). My name is Robert, I'm an student of editing and english literature.
The end felt a bit rushed to me. The beginning was deep and well thought out, and i thought it should of been a lot longer near the end, because it f3eel a bit incomplete. But i did love your beginning.
First off, a typo; nothing big: But it is harder than I realized ad I miss him as he goes.
Should be: But it is harder than I realized and I miss him as he goes.
The beginning is wonderful. The first couple of lines, it sounds flowy without being showy, and rhymes without trying. Good job on that.
As the poem gets shorter, you seem to lose your edge. Don't worry about keeping to a set rhyming pattern! The first part was gorgeous because it didn't try, but as the poem continued, you did try, perhaps a bit too hard. So just calm down a little bit. You can be an absolutely beautiful poet as long as you remember that flow is better than rhyming any day.
Good luck.
I didn't really enjoy this one. To me, it just seemed like another love poem that just tried too hard. I don't know how to explain it better than that...I would mostly agree with Xanthan Gum; the lines sort of degraded as you went on, and the final two lines were just painful to hear.
On the positive side, I liked these lines:
"It wasn’t such a dismal thing to let him slip into the sea
And let love past diminish deep with wandering thoughts of him in me.
...
I led him too deep into my wary skin."
I see potential in it though, don't abandon the poem. Just put some more work into it.
I agree with the above comments. The lines continued to get shorter and forced and awkward as the poem went on, until I came to the point that the ending was definitely not deserving of the beginning.
I agree 100% with Dream Deep. Overall it was very very well done, but i also agree with the rhyming being forced at the end.
(before I posted this, I had read it before, and something seemed wrong with the ending, but I wasn't sure what it was. Now I know!)
That was beautiful. Sheer, glorious... I don't know. Beauty. I loved it. Just one suggestion though. At the beginning, the piece seemed to flow, to rhyme in a very subtle and becoming way. At the end, though, the rhyming seemed a little forced, like you weren't quite sure how to fit all that you wanted to say in there.
I loved it though. Kudos, Alison Arguanova.